So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
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