Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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