I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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