I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
