So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
