I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Randomize
