Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Randomize
