You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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