JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
