I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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