take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
