How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
