so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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