Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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