Don't make out with my wife yet
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
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