Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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