Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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