I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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