The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Randomize
