Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
