Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
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