omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
