i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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