It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I would fuck him just for his dog
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
