youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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