dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
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