Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
