apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
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