Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
