watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I think my moral compass just broke
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
