I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
