Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize