remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
