let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
