Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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