I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
