can we get nightvision for the apartment?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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