This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Randomize
