just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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