I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
