I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
