She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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