I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
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