You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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