I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
