You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
