I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
