Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
