Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
