I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
