So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
