a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
areolas are like halos for boobs.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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