Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
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