my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
So yeah never trust sex tips from yahoo answers
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
