Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize