I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Randomize
