she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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