Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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