can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
