I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
