He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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