you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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