You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
