So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Randomize
