Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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