Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
