By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize