I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
