We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
